Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
