So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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