About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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