we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
