Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
