Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
