he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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