That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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