It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
even my farts smell like vagina
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think pants incapable of making pants work
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
