I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
