I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize