I'm eating all of the evidence.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
