no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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