Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
