I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
