Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
