i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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