i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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