The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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