i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
