like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
