It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
