I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
