I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Randomize
