omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
two words...techno handjob
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
