is your mom at the bar?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I would ride that face into the sunset
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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