Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
