Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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