Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
