yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
