We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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