Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
