My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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