she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
