he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
