Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize