I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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