I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Dear god my vagina.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
