So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
