He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
