did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize