Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
