I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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