Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
