but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
