Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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