Taylor Swift is so right about you.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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