you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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