So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
