ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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