$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
