I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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