mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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