this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
