The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize