Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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