The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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