sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
